Why Do I Get Jealous?

How to control the green-eyed monster

By Dr. Scott Haltzman

hitchedmag.com Updated: Jul 19, 2008


Question: Why do I get so jealous when my partner talks to other people?


Answer:
When you first connected with your partner and looked into their eyes, it felt like he or she was the only person in the room. As you get deeper into your relationship and call yourselves a couple, the realization hits you: You and your partner are not alone on this planet. There are others! Are they a threat?
When we are in a committed relationship, we assume the connection we have with each other will be strong enough to fend off outside threats. In some ways, this you-belong-to-me-and-I-belong-to-you mentality is sweet; it's the stuff of pop songs and poetry. But sometimes the intensity of that connection is too strong.
When one partner sees everyone whom his or her partner comes into contact with as a potential threat, it is a sign that jealousy has taken hold. Shakespeare called it "the green-eyed monster," and once it gets a hold of your relationship, it sinks its teeth in and can rip it apart.



What causes jealousy?
If you've got strong feelings of jealousy, it's probably a sign that you don't have enough trust in your partner that he or she is being faithful to you. That lack of trust may be prompted by one of four factors.

• You may feel insecure about your self-worth. In these cases, either you've been raised to believe, or some part of your inner self feels, that you just don't measure up. Because you don't love yourself, you can't believe that others would love you, so you live in fear that your partner's "true" feelings will be revealed and she will leave.


• You're prone to cheating on your partner -- maybe even have done so. Knowing what you're capable of, you project that behavior onto your partner.


• You and your partner haven't yet figured out how to
  establish safe boundaries within the relationship. Having a tight bond is about building walls around your love with windows that allow others to be part of it -- not doors where competing lovers can walk right in and disrupt your home. Because you don't know what's permissible within the relationship and what's not, you're constantly on your toes.


• Your mate is cheating on you. Cheating doesn't have to include sex; it often has to do with making emotional connections to others outside the relationship. If your partner is sharing things about your private life with attractive members of the opposite sex, it robs a sense of intimacy from your relationship and leaves you feeling vulnerable.

Knowing the factors that lead to jealousy is an important first step to getting things fixed.
Put your focus on building trust. If you've got some growing up to do, therapy may help. Both of you have to learn how to set boundaries in the relationship. That requires respecting your mate's definition of limits of outside relationships from the start.

Over time, as trust builds, you and your partner can redefine what feels safe for the relationship. After all, when you've got a great relationship, you want to share it with the world.

~Lammy~

ARE YOU FALLING IN LOVE TOO FAST?

If your relationship’s moving at light speed (like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes), how do you know if it’s for real – or if you need a reality check?

It’s no surprise that the whirlwind romance between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes still has everyone’s tongues wagging. After dating for just one month, Tom declared his devotion to Katie (and even hinted about marriage) on Oprah Winfrey Show. And a few weeks after that, they were engaged. That example became the main subject of every paparazzi worldwide and got everyone talking: Is it possible to really fall that fast? Can an intense love like that last? Everyone has an opinion, and the reason is probably because we’ve all been there at some point – that is, swept up in a relationship that’s moving so swiftly it’s making our heads spin. Sure, falling hard and fast can be exhilarating, but it can also be a little scary. Should you barrel ahead, celebrating that you’re found “The One” or put the brakes on fear that you’ll get your heart broken? Here are experts’ advices to reap all the heady benefits of being head-over-heels without getting burned.



THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A TIDE AND AN UNDERTOW
People have to allow for a bit of a giddy whirlwind. Those who spend too much time analyzing what’s going on and playing it safe turn all the romance out of it. Even so, there is a big difference between being swept up and feeling completely out of control. So ask yourself: If your new love interest asks you to do something you’re uncomfortable with, do you feel fine voicing your reservations, or do you sweep them under the rug to avoid ruining the moment? If you feel like you have to act a certain way, then that’s a sign you’re not comfortable with this person. You’re just comfortable with the idea of being in a whirlwind romance. The bottom line: Any long-term relationship needs your input, good and bad.



DON’T ACT ON EVERY IMPULSE
Are you thinking of your sweetie and tempted to call her saying so… for the fifth time that day? That’s sweet, but before you press the button, know this: Not all impulses are meant to be acted upon. Most people misinterpret feelings for phone calls. They don’t have to be one and the same. Just sit back and enjoy the buzz. Enjoy the fact that you just hung up the phone and want to pick it up again. That’s awesome. And enough already! This rule especially holds true for e-mailing and SMS – mediums that encourage you to reveal all sorts of personal info but that can easily breed a false sense of intimacy. So, before hitting that “send” button, ask yourself: Would you feel comfortable coughing up this info in person? If not, save it for later.



CURB CONVERSATIONS ABOUT THE FUTURE
So, you’d love to take a romantic cruise this year-end. Or you’re always dreamt of having your wedding on the beach at sunset. Or you’re certain you want at least three children… Discussing your future dreams with your new flame may seems really romantic, but indulging in it too often can be a red flag. This indicates that you’re more into the idea of being in a relationship than with the actual person in front of you. If your conversations tend to veer in that direction, consider an “activity date”, like going to an art museum or taking a walk in the park, which will force you to focus on things right in front of you – as well as each other.



WAIT TO SAY ‘I LOVE YOU” (EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU DO)
When you’re in a relationship that feels so right, it can be tempting to utter those three little worlds on the early side. Experts advise against it: The first time you feel like saying it, count to ten, go home and say it to your pet. After all, your feelings could be due to the fact that you two just share a really romantic candle light dinner together. There’s also the risk that the feelings might not be mutual yet. So before you take this step, as yourself: Will you be able to accept if your date doesn’t say “I love you” back, or will you be crushed? If it’s the latter, then it’s probably best to hold off until more time has passed and you’re more confident about each other’s intentions.



-this artical from xxx newspaper xD



~Lammy~

爱他？还是它？

有些东西，没得到反而更显得它珍贵美丽。 而你是否分得清楚，你爱的是那〖想得到她的感觉】 还是她？


爱你，是本性，是注定，是天然。 <3


~Lammy~